Two Steps Behind
by MissScaryKitty
Summary: Myri was always two steps behind the woman she loved, the military genius Admiral Amilyn Holdo. Finally seeing her endgame, Myri begs to face oblivion with her. (Holdo/OC)


Amilyn.

The first time I saw her, my heart stopped. She was a goddess- ethereal even under the unforgiving lights of the Cruiser. I'd never seen a woman like her before. I came from a mining planet no one had ever heard of, did time on Wanobi, and dressed in the ratty slapdash uniforms of the Rebellion. My entire world was grey until she walked into the briefing room that day. A shocking swath of purple and silver suddenly shook up the dull existence I had long since settled on.

I only learned about the stars because I knew she loved them. Slowly, I grew to love them too. We gazed up into the heavens together, dreaming and planning and wishing. But the days of dreaming were coming to a close as the First Order tightened its grip around the throat of the Rebel Alliance. Our cause and our hopes of a future together were breathing its last breath.

It wasn't until we were run down by the _Finalizer_ that I felt the cold, harsh slap of reality. All our ships had fallen away from us, devoid of power and weaponry- the First Order blasting them from existence in a cold show of supremacy. Our flagship, the _Raddus_ , was minutes away from falling to the same fate as it slowly crawled through space.

Crait, a planet harboring an old Rebel outpost, could be seen out the window of the bridge- looming just out of our reach. It was then that Amilyn ordered the crew to abandon ship escape to the planet. This meant someone had to stay on board and man the ship while the rest escaped. It wasn't lost on me that Amylin was the acting Admiral. All the pieces of her plan suddenly fit together and hit me like a punch to the gut.

I waited for her in the room beyond the docking bay. She'd just seen General Organa off safely and was heading back to the bridge when I confronted her.

"Myri," she said, approaching me. There was an air of finality in her voice. "You need to get on a shuttle."

"This was your plan all along. Once again, you're two steps ahead of me. It's not fair," I said, fighting for control of my voice.

"I don't mind it," she teased with a warm smile.

I shook my head, unable to bring myself to share in her levity. "I'm not going to leave you," I told her.

Amilyn cocked her head slightly, a curious half smile gracing her expressive lips. "But it's what I want."

I felt myself crumble then under her earnestness.

"Well, I wanted a lot of things… things for us, things I never deserved, and things that were never going to be possible…" I cried, knowing I had to accept my worst fears- that the fantasies I had about our future together were exactly that, fantasies. "You can't have everything you want, Amilyn. Just let me do this. Let me be with you."

"No." She said, flat out ignoring my begging.

There was few times where I truly felt our age difference showed, this was, most painfully, one of them. I felt so young and helpless staring up at her, tears glistening in my eyes. Knowing that this was her end, my life stretched before me in an infinite string of harrowing battles. Friends would be lost, planets would be decimated, and every last hope would be shed like leaves on a dying tree. It would be death by a thousand cuts and she would not be there to help me through it.

"I can't…" I uttered pathetically.

"No. _I_ can't," she said firmly, stepping in close. Her warm fingers brushed up against mine and I was so scared to take her hands, to endure the pain of holding them one last time, but I did. "I can't do what is necessary if you don't go."

I gripped her hands tightly at her words. Hot tears jetted down my cheeks as I pressed my lips firmly to hers.

When I had first laid eyes on her, I instantly knew I would follow her wherever she went, even into oblivion. She meant more to me than the constellations we so loved. I would have unquestionably died for her, and in this case with her. But that is not what she wanted. She needed me to be strong, to go on living for Leia the others.

Pulling away from our kiss, I felt her gently run a lock of my yellow hair between her fingers. I met her gaze one last time, and in her expression, I saw reverence.

"I love you more than the stars." She told me.

I squeezed her hands before stepping away and heading towards the shuttle bay. Reaching the door I paused.

"Please wait for me," I asked.

She smiled, clasping her hands delicately in front of her, "Of course."

With her assurance, I pressed the green button on the keypad and the door to the shuttle bay flew open, revealing the scrambling of the Alliance fighters on the other side.

"Come on, Lieutenant. We have to go!" I heard someone yell in my ear as they took my arm and hauled off to the nearest ship with me in tow.

I looked back to see Amilyn still standing there, a pillar of strength draped in all her gorgeous finery, as she watched the last hope of the Rebellion flee under the protection she would soon provide.

She was always two steps ahead of me I thought as I ran blindly beside the man I hadn't even bothered to look at. I would have to continue on without her until the day I could finally see her again.

"Hey, you okay, Lieutenant?" I heard the man ask as I slouched against the nearest wall of the shuttle, my heart beating hard and fast. Looking up, I met the dark eyes of Poe Dameron, his brow knit in concern. I gripped the sleeve of his uniform tightly, wanting to push him or yell obscenities at him. But I couldn't. Not with the way he looked at me. Steadying myself, I finally nodded and let go.

The ship then took off, launching into space with a trajectory towards Crait. By some will of the Force, it was Poe who had dragged me onto the ship. Unknowingly, he helped me complete a task I wasn't sure I could be trusted to do alone.

Suddenly, our ship was rocked to its core. A flash of orange and yellow shot through the cabin windows, bringing all its occupants to look outside and see the Finalizer blasting our convoy apart ship by ship.

I turned to Leia, who's expression was dismal. We had been bleeding ships for the past six hours and it seemed there was nothing else to do but put our lives in the hands of fate.

"She's turning the ship!" someone cried.

We all pressed our faces to the windows then, tensely watching Amilyn maneuver the _Raddus_ into position.

"Coward, she's running away," cried Finn.

"No, watch!" Urged Poe. It seemed he finally understood.

My heart swelled in my chest, tears welling in my eyes as my breath caught on a ragged inhale. I didn't even realize I was smiling until I brought my fingers to my lips and pressed them against the window where the _Raddus_ floated outside.

 _I love you. Goodbye._

Poe's bidding for all of us to witness what came next suddenly took hold. There was silence and then a blinding light cut through space like a knife as Amylin jumped to Lightspeed, cleaving the _Supremecy_ in half. The _Raddus_ was gone in a stunning explosion of stardust leaving the enemy hemorrhaging. She had done it. The tension aboard the ship released in a collective sigh as the crew realized we had a real chance to escape. I was happy for them and more for Amilyn's success.

I was always two steps behind my beautiful Amilyn. As much as it hurt me to let her go, I believed that one day I would be with her again. For now, I would stand by those who loved her and those who learned from her. It was my path to catching up.

AN: Hope you liked it! Possible ficlets featuring the Holdo/Myri pairing and maybe some light Poe/Myri in the future if this oneshot is received well. Admiral Holdo is my favorite character from the new movie and I doubt she's going to get much love, so I'm going to try and fill that void.


End file.
